What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Well, it's finally going to happen. Dean is moving out. I'm a single parent about to start my first semester of nursing school.

*sigh*

I have such mixed feelings about this it's ridiculous. You would think I'd be really sad. I'm not. It's actually almost a relief not to have to deal with the emotional anguish all the damn time. I'm a little bit sad because we have been together since I was 15...8-9 years is a long time, and we have a child together. Mostly I'm just worried about what the hell I'm going to do about money.

I think this is going to be a good thing. Dean needs to learn to grow up and take responsibility for his life. I need space and time on my own, and I guess in some ways I need to take responsibility too. I've been slacking around the house, and I do rely on Dean to do a lot of things. I think just him not being here and taking that label of partner off of him will help with that.

We are trying to figure out custody right now, but we're not fighting over it. We both agreed that it's easier on us and on her if we don't fight. I'm just glad that this is all happening now when I have a break from school and not in August when I'm in my first semester of nursing classes.

I'm going to start cleaning the apartment today. I need to get rid of everything I don't need and separate out Dean's stuff. I'm also going to start up at the gym again. I've got to get my ass in gear. The crazy thing is, I feel SO much better. I'm not as depressed, I feel like eating well, and I feel like exercising. My entire being has changed for the better. It's like a huge weight has been lifted.

I'd better get to work on the apartment...

I love being a vegan!

I really have to say that I am completely satisfied eating a vegan diet. Almond milk ice cream takes care of my sweet tooth, as do the dried fruit snack balls I've been making. I love beans, nuts, and tempeh, and I love veggies. I feel so much better, I have more energy, and I have consistently been losing weight. I am down a total of 9 pounds in 2 weeks! If I would get my behind to the gym I'd probably lose even more.


I've seriously got to start getting to work on cleaning the house so we can get our air conditioner fixed. And I need to get studying...I can't afford anything less than an A on my next A&P exam. And I need to do my English homework because I refuse to get more than one B this semester. I suppose I better get to bed if I'm going to get up and do something productive tomorrow.

Spring break!

I think the single most frustrating and difficult aspect of Spring semester is that there is basically only one break. During the Fall we get a break every 3 or 4 weeks or so. This semester has 12 straight weeks of school before we finally get a week off, and by that time I am so far behind that I don't really even get a break. Spring break is my catch-up week. After this week the last 4 weeks of the semester start and are filled with stress, assignments, studying, and exams. Non-stop.

So while I will be spending this week studying and working on my Innovative Report assignment for English class, this weekend and next weekend will be entirely devoted to relaxation and spending time with my family. Today we went to see The Lorax. I'm a little ashamed to admit that I cried at the end (yes, I care THAT MUCH about the environment haha). My sweet, sweet Sophia stated that she wanted to go to the seed store and plant a tree, so we went to the garden supply store and bought some flower seeds that will grow on our shady balcony. Much as I'd love to plant a tree, it's just not going to happen while we're living in an apartment. We also stopped at Michaels and I picked up a watering can, gloves, and trowel that are kidlet sized; I also grabbed some cute unpainted wood hanging thingys for us to paint and decorate the balcony with. Sophia and I spent the rest of the afternoon painting and listening to fun music. Tomorrow we will plant our seeds and hang our decorations.

I'm thinking about buying a bunch of these wood hanging decorations, painting them, and selling them on Etsy over the summer. Mine came out really nicely, and I think I could sell them for $12 or so. Considering they only cost me about $5 to make, that's a pretty decent profit, plus I really really enjoy painting them. It's been years since I've done anything artistic other than knitting or cake decorating. Even though there isn't a ton of creativity in painting these, the process is somehow stress relieving. There's something relaxing about putting on some Jack Johnson and diving into a project that requires focus, precision, and a delicate hand.

Monday I get to jump back into school work, but until then I am going to put it all out of my mind, relax, and enjoy my time with my family.

Juicing...I think I could get used to this!

So my juicer came in the mail yesterday! It is definitely not top of the line, but it gets the job done for now. Plus if anything breaks overstock will replace it.

Last night I made juice with 1 apple, 4 carrots, 2 beets, 3 leaves of rainbow chard, and a piece of ginger. It was super yummy, although I've learned to use ginger in moderation...super spicy! This morning my little helper helped me make apple, carrot, and chard juice which we are both enjoying at the moment. It's amazing how great fresh juice tastes compared to the bottled stuff from the grocery store. The organic 100% juice is better than anything else at the store obviously, but this fresh stuff really takes the cake. I found my juicer for about $85 with a 2 year replacement plan, and like I said it isn't top of the line, but it gets a good amount of juice and it gets the job done.

I'm going to start by just adding juice in a couple times a day instead of snacks, then slowly I'll replace a meal at a time with it. I will probably keep one serving of protein at lunch, but other than that I'd like to be primarily juicing within the next month or so.

I've also had an awesome idea for Sophia's birthday cake! I was going to make it either chocolate or vanilla because I didn't want to use artificial dyes, but fresh juice will totally work! Beets for pink, carrots for orange, spinach or kale for green, blueberries for blue/purple, etc. I can't wait til we get closer to her birthday so I can experiment!

:)

I did it!!

My letter came on Saturday! I am officially accepted into the Associate Degree in Nursing program! Next Wednesday is orientation, and then I will have PLENTY to do to get ready. I'll have to have the mother load of immunizations, which I'm not too thrilled about, but it is what it is. I'm going to spread them out as much as I possibly can so I don't overload my system. I'm also going to start a juice/fruits/veggies only diet, and exercise 3-5 days a week. I will not let my weight keep me from passing the physical requirements. So I will probably be blogging about that journey here in a week or so...my juicer should be here Monday at the latest (I hope). I'll have to look into the side effects of the vaccines when I'll be on such a pure diet. Hopefully it won't be too terrible.

I am SO FREAKING EXCITED! When I saw the envelope in my mailbox I just knew what it was. I could seriously jump up and down and scream I am so happy. I've finally done something right, and I've finally achieved what I've worked SO hard for. Some days I just want to throw in the towel, get skinny, and marry rich. Now when I have those days I just need to pull out this letter and look at what I have accomplished. I know that it's going to continue to be an uphill battle, but I'm making progress and I'm really succeeding. That's not something I've done very often in my life. On that note...

It really bothers me when people ask me how I get A's. It bothers me even more when people assume that A's come easily to me. I work my behind off. I sacrifice time with my daughter. My house is a mess most of the time. I study every day. I don't pull A's out of my ears. It's a constant internal struggle for me to focus and get my work done, but I do it. I EARN my A's. I don't take them for granted, and I know that when I slack off I may not get A's.

Anyway...I guess I better quit procrastinating and get to the grocery store then the laundry mat!

I just need to get through this week.

I find myself saying this often. In fact I'm pretty sure I say this every week.

The week before this past week was Microbiology extravaganza, as my Micro teacher called it. We had our lecture exam on Tuesday and our lab exam on Thursday. Throw in 3 Anatomy and Physiology quizzes and regular English homework, plus an incredibly persistent sinus infection, nightly dinners, upkeep of the house, and keeping my 3 year old entertained and happy...well to say I was spent would be an understatement.

This week was somewhat of an English extravaganza. Last night at 11:59 p.m. was the deadline for any late work, and our resume portfolio. Naturally, I had been putting all English assignments off until my crazy Micro week was over. Then this week I let my guard down. I had an A&P lab exam on Tuesday, and other than study for that I didn't do much else. So yesterday I revised my e-mail assignment, answered as many of the interview questions as I could tolerate, then began my resume portfolio. Then, what do you know - the internet went down. Charter said it would be out for a couple of hours. So I tried to do all the work I could without the internet and hoped that I could transfer the file to my phone and e-mail it that way if the internet didn't come back on in time. As if that wasn't enough, the weather channel issued a tornado watch for our area until 11 p.m. Now, I usually don't put much stock into tornado watches here because we're in the mountains and our TOR:CON is usually never over 3. Last night it was a 5, which means 50% chance of tornadoes in the area. I may be the crazy California girl who freaks out in any kind of weather, but I'm also a mommy living on the 3rd story of an apartment building with no tornado emergency plan. So we packed up and headed to my mom's house just in case we needed a basement. Luckily, all was fine, and as an added bonus her internet was working.

Now I am getting ready to study for the A&P lecture test I have on Tuesday. Hopefully this week I will finally get some down time to catch up on laundry and maybe even clean up some of the clutter that has collected over the past couple of weeks. I'm expecting a final answer about nursing program admissions within the next week or two. I can't wait! :)

Most of my journey so far...

I won't bore you all with the details of my childhood, but in short I come from a very different family. I suppose they really aren't all that different, but they are certainly anything but cookie-cutter. My parents have been divorced since I was a baby, and my dad was married to my step-mom for most of my life.  My dad was my super hero, and he was there most of my childhood until his battle with addiction got the best of him and he wasn't anymore. My mom was a single working parent with entirely too much on her plate. Her family lives on the east coast for the most part, and we (until recently) lived in sunny Los Angeles, California. Needless to say, I didn't have a very consistent relationship with them. My dad's family...well, let's just not even go there.

The worst of my dad's addiction problems, unfortunately for me, occurred during my high school years. I didn't feel like shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch anymore, and I wasn't a huge fan of football, so I fell in with the outcasts. I got really into punk music, dying my hair, and piercing various body parts whenever I could find a shop that would do it without carding me. Though many of my friends were into drugs, I didn't do much more than smoke and drink, but boy did I do plenty of that. I had no plans. I didn't want to finish high school, let alone go to college. I didn't think I was smart enough, or good enough. The only thing I knew I was good at was make-up and hair. So I dropped out of high school, and signed up for cosmetology school. I was great at it, and I loved doing it, so that worked out pretty well for me. Until I got pregnant.

Dean and I had been together for years. I met Dean when I was 15 and was smitten. He was a bad ass metal kid who wore ripped black jeans, controversial band tees, and a real chain on his wallet (not the cheap ones you get at Hot Topic). Our relationship was tumultuous, and we broke up and got back together often. Things were pretty rocky when I found out I was pregnant (possibly due to my hormones). I cried. He brooded and smoked a lot of cigarettes. I decided I was keeping the baby. I told him that he could stay or go, but he had to decide. I wanted to know if I was in it alone.  He ended up staying.

This monumental event in my otherwise mediocre life was really a turning point. As soon as that test came up positive, I quit smoking cold turkey. I completely changed the way I was living. I read books, forum posts, and did everything I could to prepare myself for parenthood at 19 years old. I stayed in school up until my last few months, and planned to return after delivery. At this point, The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy was my bible. I was ready for all the drugs they would give me to take away the "pain" of childbirth. Not discrediting the book in any way, it was really quite hilarious, just not for me now.

One day I was strolling down the 3rd Street Promenade, and I stumbled upon a sign for a prenatal yoga studio called Yo Mama Yoga. Intrigued, I looked it up online and decided to go to a class since I enjoyed yoga prior to my pregnancy, and I thought it would be a good way to get some exercise. The instructor, Katie Wise, was so warm and welcoming and taught a wonderful class. I went back frequently, and thoroughly enjoyed it. She also offered a natural childbirth class at her studio, as well as doula services. After talking with her and doing some research, I decided that the best thing for me and my baby was to have a drug free birth, and Dean and I signed up for Katie's childbirth class. I also hired Katie to be my doula. I felt well prepared, and ready for childbirth. As my due date grew closer, I grew more and more anxious to meet my little girl.

At around 40 weeks, I was starting to get little bouts of prodromal labor. Prodromal labor is often referred to as "false labor." I would basically have consistent contractions for a couple of hours and then they would just stop. Frustrating, but I waited. My doctor had me come in for a few "standard" non-stress tests to make sure that my baby was still happy and healthy since I was now "overdue" in her mind. At my 41 week appointment, my doctor had some concerns about my blood pressure. She decided to take it again after giving me a few minutes to rest, but before leaving the room she said to me, "This is quite a big baby! I wouldn't be surprised if you end up needing a c-section." That was supposed to LOWER my blood pressure?? Thanks doc! It goes without saying that my blood pressure was pretty high with the next reading, so off I went to the hospital for induction.

I will post my birth story, the events that followed, and my struggles with breastfeeding in another post, but basically, Katie inspired me. Katie and my sweet little baby Sophia changed my life completely. I wanted to help women recognize the power of their bodies, and believe in their ability to give birth without drugs. I didn't know how exactly I wanted to do it, but I knew that is what I wanted to do.

Around the time I got pregnant, maybe a bit before, my mom had put her house on the market and was on her way to moving to Asheville, North Carolina. For the most part, Dean and I were on our own in Los Angeles, with financial help from my mom. Rent and cost of utilities and food in LA were just too much, and we both had reservations about raising our daughter there. We decided that the best thing for our family would be to move to Asheville. Moving to Asheville was a new beginning for me. As much as I missed my friends, particularly my dearest friend and Sophia's godfather Stephen, Asheville was a very good move for me.

I found part time seasonal work at The Children's Place, and I started attending A-B Tech's GED program. Dean stayed home with Sophia because the cost of childcare was not worth both of us working. After my second holiday season with TCP, they just didn't have enough hours to give me, and I started looking for more work. The manager at Gymboree came by to recruit for a shift lead position, and my boss gave me a glowing recommendation. Luckily, Sherri (the manager at Gymboree and now my closest friend) took a chance on me and hired me into the position even with my lack of management experience. I went on to become the assistant manager a year later.

I completed my GED, and decided that I wanted to look into what I would need to do to get into the nursing program at A-B Tech. I registered online, and went in to take my placement test and see a counselor. The counselor was condescending and tried to talk me out of applying for the nursing program, saying that it was highly competitive, and maybe I should choose something that wouldn't be so difficult. At that time in my life, my school self esteem was at about a zero. I'd never succeeded in anything other than cosmetology, why would I now? So I signed up for the medical office administration certificate program hoping that my computer skills would get me through and I could find a nice desk job in a doctor's office for above minimum wage pay.

One of the required courses for MOA is BIO 163 which is Basic Anatomy and Physiology. Don't let the "Basic" part of that fool you! There is nothing basic about this class. I signed up for this class as well as 4 others because I was under the impression that this was an easy class (thanks, useless counselors!). I had to drop my 5th class in order to get all of my classwork done. To my complete and utter surprise, I actually liked the class. In high school I'd never been into science or math, and my strongest classes were always English and art. Never in a million years would I have guessed that I would love science, or that I would actually be good at it. After a rough first exam due to a nasty bout of the flu, my following exams were all A's.

One day my teacher, Sarah Gnilka, asked me what I was going into. I told her that I wanted to be a nurse, but for now I was taking medical office administration because a counselor suggested that it would be a better option for me. She looked at me and said, "You go be a nurse. You are too smart to be sitting at a desk filing paperwork. Promise me you will apply. Don't ever let anyone rain on your parade." Once again, someone had completely changed my life. In a class of 40 or so, only about 14 made it to the end of the semester and only about half of those 14 passed with a C or better. I made an A. I finished that semester with 3 A's and a B, and made the Dean's List.

A-B Tech's allied health program admissions are done with a points system. You get 5 points each for ACA 115, ENG 111, MAT 115 or higher, and a 4 credit or higher anatomy and physiology class. Then you can get a maximum of 99 points from the TEAS exam. I figured out what I needed to do to get all 20 points before the next application period, and I started planning my semesters to complete all of the non-nursing classes I would need for the degree. As soon as the application period started, I went into the counseling center and applied. I signed up to take the TEAS and purchased my study book. Somehow I managed to get in a week of studying for the TEAS while also taking 5 classes. I scored 92 points on the TEAS exam; my score is one of the highest ever at A-B Tech, and the national average is a 64. I was floored. I also managed to make 5 A's that semester, landing me a spot on the President's List, and an invitation from Phi Theta Kappa (international honor society).

I am now in my final semester before nursing classes, and I am awaiting my acceptance letter which should arrive in the next 2 to 4 weeks. My beautiful Sophia will be 4 years old in April, and I just can't believe how far we have come.

As one crazy week ends, another begins

In-laws are leaving tomorrow...finally! I have to admit that today was pretty nice. Most likely due to the step-MIL not being there.

I had a lovely lunch my my step-mom earlier today at Green Tea. Love that place, great sushi lunch specials! Then we loaded up Sophia and headed to meet Dean's dad and sister at Mountain Play Lodge. The girls had a blast, I can't even explain how great this place is. We're definitely having Sophia's birthday party there this year. Aside from FIL's usual ranting about money and cars, it was actually pretty fun. I was dreading dinner though; apparently dear step-MIL had a pretty sucky day, which meant she was sure to be crabby, self-righteous, and passive aggressive all night.

Then sweet, sweet mother nature stepped in. Snow, beautiful snow began to pour down, effectively canceling that unbearable dinner with the dragon lady. Not a huge fan of driving in the stuff due to our lack of 4WD/AWD, but we got home safely and now there's a beautiful dusting of powder on the ground.

I am hoping that the snow will melt tomorrow though. Wednesday I get to pick up my textbooks for Spring semester which starts on Monday. I must say, I'm actually looking forward to school starting back up. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the breaks when I get to spend so much more time with my sweet baby girl, but I also like the routine of school. I like feeling like I'm doing something everyday. I know it sounds crazy, but I love the pressure and the challenge of the classes. I'm excited about A&P and Microbiology. I'm also excited about trying out a new routine for Sophia and I. For some reason they haven't started learning letters yet in preschool, so I am going to do one letter every day with her. We'll come up with words that start with the letter, find pictures of things that start with the letter to make a collage with, and try writing the letter in uppercase and lowercase. I want to make the most of the quality time we have together, so I thought this would be fun and educational.

Well, I suppose I'd better get to bed. Lots of cleaning up and organizing to do before I start school!